Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize