I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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