All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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