I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
