yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
