eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
