I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
