I am puke
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
