I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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