god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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