Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sext me about skeletons
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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