soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
