Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
