The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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