i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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