you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
