The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
