I wish I only lived at night.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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