i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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