im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
