Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize