Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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