My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
