i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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