I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
