im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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