is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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