your parents love me but you hate me
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
