i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
