Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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