My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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