No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
