Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
