my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
