I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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