Me. At least after what I've been through.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
A bitchslap is in order.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
