dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
