Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
