o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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