Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
