it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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