he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
