when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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