he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
