**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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