i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
