Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
