we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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