summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
