Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
