areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
