matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
