She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
