what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
