I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
