He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
