i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Houston, we have a blender
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
