mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
