please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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