Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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