Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
